I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
