I wish I could teleport
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
