the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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