Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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