I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
