Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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