Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
