i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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