I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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