I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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