I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
