you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
