My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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