I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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