Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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