if only i could text you this smell
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
