Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
