Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Randomize
