I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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