last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
