I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
