Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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