I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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