Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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