there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
