my vag is so smooth its legendary
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
did i walk over a car last night?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
