Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
my poor anus
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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