Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
