My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
