why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
