I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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