I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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