i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
its not stalking. its research.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
