nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
