I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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