Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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