he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i now understand why vodka
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
where are my eyebrows?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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