I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
