i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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