I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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