Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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