saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
