i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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