life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
