...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
