my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
this will be a night to untag.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
