"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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