i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
