she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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