Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
