i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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