2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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