I must be too annoying 4 u.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
