I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
