You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
