And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Sext me about skeletons
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
