I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
