I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
