So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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